I was shaking. In my arms laid a four pound wonder. My husband's forehead was on mine. We had made it through a trial we hadn't planned for.
And all I wanted was my mom.
I am still bit shell shocked by the birth of my youngest son. Even thinking about it now, my heart races and if I get too lost in the memory I have to remind myself to take deep calming breaths. That its over, I, we made it through.
Its still all a haze though. I remember my asking husband for my mom. I knew she wasn't there at the moment. I don't know how long it took her to get to me.
But I do remember the all consuming relief I felt when she showed up.
I remember the the dam breaking on my emotions and just crying as the exhaustion of the last 12 plus hours just crashed around. I remember her holding Kendrick and hugging me. In that hug the uncertainty of being extremely sick, a mom to a preemie, who had just had her birth plan flipped on it's rear end.
Then I remember being ok. Still shaken, but ok.
That's the simple power of a mother. Of BEING a mother.
To appear on some unspoken whim and fix it with nothing but a hug or as my three year old says: "Mommy I need you, wrap your arms around me."
As mother it's humbling. Because my mom and I are really different, (I am headstrong and independent and she is a peaceful nurturer) but we are the same because we are mothers. And every time I get fed up with mothering and kids crying because of hurt feelings, or testing my patience by not being patient as I put out the little fires and smooth over mishaps that children rearing brings. I remember THAT hug.
So I stop trying to rationalize, or figure it all out. I remember that moment in a hospital room when I needed...was a hug from my mom.
And I give them a hug.
Because hugs have eyes and they see it all, but they are the reset button for the eternal little kid in all of us and the vulnerable adult that wants to pretend that inner child needing reassurance doesn't exist.
So to all the mama's, by blood or by heart, thank you. For being the love that shows up and the giving the hugs that calm our fears.